apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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