She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
