I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
