How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize