Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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