my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You can't special order awesome
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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