i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
