My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
