Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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