What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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