hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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