I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
