Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
