In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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