Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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