We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
