I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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