she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
