I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
