Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
