8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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