You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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