everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
