somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
