ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
