Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
