Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize