One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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