He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm sobbing to NWA
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
