Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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