I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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