New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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