i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
