Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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