Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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