is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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