I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so explain again why im purple
no
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
