He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
