I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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