I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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