can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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