On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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