sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
