Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize