you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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