Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
