I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Houston, we have a squirter
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize