I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
