So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
