you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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