What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
