Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'd cum for enchiladas.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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