I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
