miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize