I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
