True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
