I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
