If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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