Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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