You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
