I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
