please come you make the beer taste better
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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